My Year in Review

It has been a while.  It has been a long and tough 2011.  Let's all raise a glass, farwell 2011, here is to 2012.

This year started out for me with so much promise.  I was supposed to get married.  When that fell apart, I decided it was time to take my life back and lose weight.  I have a lot of weight to lose.  I have always used food for comfort.  Food is always there.  Food is my friend.  I was successful, I lost 56 pounds!  I have gained back 8.  Not bad considering I have been holding strong really since August.  Look out January, I'm starting the diet again and going for my second 50+ pounds. 

This year has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but most of all it has been an eye opening year of realization in so many ways.

My weight loss was a sucess.  I am proud of myself.   The rest of the year has been rough emotionally and financially.

I finally got to go to California!!!  A dream come true for me.  It was supposed to be my honeymoon, but it was a vacation instead.  I have dreamed me whole life about going to California.  It was amazing.  While there, I got to have lunch with my cousins.  It was great to reconnect with family.  I realized that the bond of family is always there, no matter what.  It really helped me to realize part of what my journey has been, seeing how many people are there and how alone I am not.  I have always had this idea of not being good enough, not being worthy.  I guess in a lot of ways I still struggle with that.  California was an amazing trip.  Unfortunately, once I got back I got laid off from my part-time job and financially it has been a struggle ever since.  Struggle is somewhat of an understatement, but I know that God will see me through.

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks.  I dreaded the holidays, I really always have.  This year, however, was different.  I still dreaded them, but I opened my heart and tried to accept what was going on and enjoy it.  I didn't have the money to get the gifts I wanted to give.  I hosted Christmas Eve, thanks to a friend who brought the groceries.  Another friend helped bring a big table so everyone would have someplace to be sit and be comfortable insteading or cramming around my table and a card table.  A friend that I have grown close to joined me and my family and had a wonderful time and I had a wonderful time.  I enjoyed cooking for everyone.  I enjoyed having everyone in my house.  At one point I commented about how all of the people I have opened my house to are gone and we are really no longer friends because they moved away and we lost touch, but God has sent more angels to me.  A friend to reach out and bring me closer to God; what a blessing.  A family, that while not perfect, is a blessing.  Two angels who have helped me more than they will ever know.  Angels, blessings........Wow!!!  I wonder how many angels and blessings I missed because I was not paying attention or because I was angry holding onto the past.  I may not have the life and the blessings that I always wanted, but I am truly blessed beyond measure.  I'm not a millionaire.  I don't have children.  I probably will be single for the rest of my life.  Blessings and favor are everywhere.  Times can be tough, but my faith has brought me through and will continue to bring me through.  It took me my entire life to get to this point of realization.  Amazing.  I still get lonely, but I realize that my almost marriage would have been a huge mistake.  He is not able to be the husband that I need.  He cares, he tries, and he loves, but that is all he is capable of.  He is a good person, just flawed.  His flaws are not my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix him any more than I could fix my father's flaws.  My dad also did the best he could; his best was not nearly enough.  I choose to believe that because otherwise he would have been a monster.  I am finally letting go of all my anger and all my hurt from my past with my father.  Who knows, maybe next year I will be able to say a much needed goodbye, or at the very least accept that person with no additional expectations.  That is a goal to shoot for.  My other goal.........50 more pounds!!!

I have been trying to always count my blessings and keep my pity parties short.  The more I count, the more blessings I realize I have.  I really have changed and am so thankful for that.

So here is 2012.......I'm ready for my next year of challenges.  I'm praying for a little more financial stabilty for myself and I am praying for blessings for my family and friends.  We all deserve it!!!  Love you all!

Chugging along.......Still making progress

It has been a while, but exciting new this morning when I stepped on the scale........I have lost 46 pounds!!!!!  Only 4 more pounds to go by August 11 to reach my first goal.  It feels incredible!  I am very proud of myself.  I am also very thankful for all of the support from everyone along the way.  Still thinking on my second weight loss goal; what it should be, how much more weight, what timeframe.  This is really like the best birthday present I have ever given to myself.  I have grown so much in the past few months on this journey.  Some painful memories put to bed, some joyous times with my success.  I really, really think that I can do this.  I'm not sure what this is, meaning I don't have a total number that I want to lose as of yet, but I am working on that as well.

I started to exercise in the pool and was feeling so great about it, until I got a growth on my face (probably not cancer, waiting on test results) so I have been laying off of the sun for now.  I am going to have to go buy a big hat to shade my face when I'm in the pool as well as sunblock.  Trust me, this scare woke me up.  No more trying to get some sun/color.

I will let everyone know when I reach 50 pounds!!!  I have 2 more weeks.  I can't wait.

Blessings to all!

FINALLY!!!!!

Happy 4th of July to all!  Please remember that we live in the greatest country in the world and that comes with a price.  Please remember and give thanks to all the men and women who sacrifice their lives every day so we may be free!

I finally broke the 40 pounds mark in my journey!  I'm so excited!  People are really starting to notice a difference in me.  It feels really good.  I am proud of myself.  Only 10 more pounds to go to my first goal.  I am determined to lose this last 10 pounds by my 41st birthday!  It is a huge milestone.  Once I hit this goal; time to set a new goal.  I'm thinking 53 pounds.  I just don't know by when.  I would like by 2012, but that may be a little unrealistic and not enough time.  I want to set realistic goals.  I'm certain I can lose another 50 pounds, its just the date I'm not sure of yet.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  Jan 25 will be my niece's 18th birthday.  Maybe that is a good date to shoot for.

Until next time.............Blessings to all!

You Win Some.......You Lose Some.....

First and foremost, congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for winning the NBA Finals.  As a very loyal Miami Heat fan, I am sad we lost, but the most deserving team won.  So now that that is over......

I have lost 37 pounds!!!  It feels really good to finally be successful at this.  I still have a long way to go, but I am finally on the right track and it feels outstanding!

Question for you guys......why does it always seem like what you want and can't have is always around smacking you in the face, almost taunting you?  When I was married and going through fertility treatments, I was surrounded by people getting pregnant with no problems.  I'm not joking.  As soon as I started fertility treatments, 5 people in the office where I worked got pregnant.  It is really hard to smile and be happy for people when your heart is filled with envy and always asking the question, "Why them and not me?"

Fast forward a few years........I came to terms with not having a family of my own.  I deal with it pretty well for the most part.  I watch other people's children grow and watch them enjoy what I so desperately wanted.  I also watch people not be thankful and take their families for granted and be too busy to spend time.  I do all of this keeping my mouth shut and smiling.  So, I was engaged and honestly felt my dream of remarriage would come true.  Well, needless to say I am single again, but of course, now it is wedding talk.  Blah, blah, blah.  I sit and pretend to be excited and smile and tell her she will be a beautiful bride, which she will be...........but COME ON!  Really?  Again?  No kids wasn't enough?  I have to sit and smile about this as well?  Why does this always seem to happen?  I know it happens to others as well, but man, so frustrating.

Now that I am in the middle of this, I can tell you, there are days that I lose focus from my weight loss.  I try not to be jealous or envious, but it is hard.  One of my friends once told me that she didn't know why God gives so much to some and not to others and that they say the less you have here on earth, the more you have in heaven.  I don't know if thats true, and I will find out one day for sure, but for now, I would settle on this envy leaving my heart.

Hopefully, my next blog I will crack losing 40 pounds........I can't wait until that moment so I can share it with you.  Until next time.......

Progress is always a good thing...

So, I will not keep you in suspense any longer........I have lost 32 pounds!  Yes, 32 pounds!  I almost can't believe it.  I feel so much better than I did when I first started this journey.  Why does it take us so long to, "hit bottom" only to realize once we pick ourselves up it was the best thing we could have done?  This decision I made to finally make this journey a success was a long time coming.  What took me so long to get here?  Who did I allow to sabotage me along the way?  Remembering that I have the ultimate control is what makes this so empowering.  I have no delusions, I will never be skinny and when I succeed, I will need plastic surgery to remove excess skin, but I will be healthier, and more importantly, happier!  Surgery......who can pay for that these days?

Some of you have  known me since I was a child.  You probably remember that chunky little girl with bright big blue eyes.  Some of you have known me for 20 years or so, and you probably remember that heavy woman, who made an attempt at this once before.  On that attempt, I was successful.  I lost 85 pounds and hit a wall.  I could not lose another pound.  I worked out 5 days a week and did aerobics and could not lose a pound.  So, on came the weight.........I moved in with my then fiancée and was getting married!  I fell into every trap there is. I was getting married and didn't really care if I kept the weight off.  5 pounds here, 10 pounds there......ok, ok ok, as long as I do go back over 200 I will be okay.........215 isn't so bad.........and so on.  My fiancée was no help.  So slowly all of the weight I worked so hard to lose crept back, but I was able to maintain at my top weight.  Then fertility treatments helped me gain 25 to 30 more pounds with no prize at the end.  All for the best.  We wound up getting divorced, blah, blah, blah.  The good news, the divorce took care of the extra 25 to 30 pounds, and I did a pretty good job of maintaining my weight again.  I'm not sure where it all went wrong this time.  I guess that is what scares me the most.  If I don't figure it out, am I doomed to repeat my same mistakes again?

The last year or two has taken it's toll on me weight wise.  Eating fast food every day and every night.  Eating appetizers, dinner, and desert the times I am fortunate to go out with friends to eat.  The loneliness definitely got to me and I think I let it defeat me, but NO MORE!

I am going to work on this until I get it right.  The weight loss is fantastic, but I have to get rid of all the ghosts and demons in the corners of my mind so I will have the clarity the next time something is getting to me that I do not revert back to my old habits.  I will not let this happen again.  I cannot let this happen again.  I know that I deserve better for myself.  Who knows, maybe one day I will learn to stop making jokes that cut me down.  Something I learned to do in middle school.  That would be another huge accomplishment to be proud of.

So..................32 pounds!  50 pounds by August 11, I am going to do this and I can't wait to tell you all that I have reached my first goal on this journey!

Please remember all of the men and women who sacrifice everyday for our freedom and our way of life.  There are not enough Memorial Days to thank those who have lost their lives, those families who have to carry on, and those who are there fighting for us now!

God bless you all!

Been awhile.......did you miss me?

Sorry it has been a couple of weeks.  I was going through some "stuff" that needs to be gone through in order to continue growing and continuing on my journey.  My last couple of posts were painful and kind of a downer.  I didn't want to continue posting depressing blogs, so I took some time to refocus and concentrate on some of the responses I got to my last blog.  Old friends with such words of advise and encouragement; responses from family, people who have known me since I was 6 years old and friends from middle and high school.  It really touches my heart to know how much everyone cares.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So for the big update!!!!!  I HAVE LOST 27 POUNDS!!!!!!

I can't tell you how happy I was to finally crack that 23.5 pound mark.  I was stuck there for 2 weeks.  It has been so hard not to give into temptation.  I am craving a pizza so badly.  Funny thing, I'm not craving fast foot at all.  I used to eat fast food every day.......yes, every day.  I really don't miss it.  I don't miss soda either, and amazingly, I don't miss chocolate.  I do get some chocolate everyday on Nutrisystem, but it is not the same as a Milky Way bar.  :-)

I am excited about being sucessful on this journey.  I think I might even be more excited about the personal growth I am doing and finally (hopefully once and for all) moving past the crap from the past.  For me at least, it is amazing how much stuff I burried just to survive.  It becomes clear each time something happens why I ate excessively, why I dealt with everything with food, why I put on this fat suit to keep people at arm's length.  The biggest effort I have to do now is not the weight loss, it is fighting the things that trigger old memories and make me project my anger and frustration onto other people.  Sometimes, pulling away a bit is the only answer.  This has not been an easy journey, but it is journey that I have needed to take for some time now.

I want to thank all of you for joining me on my journey and supporting me throughout.  Maybe with the next post, I finally break the 30 pound mark!  Blessing to all........until next time.

More progress, more lonliness

So, I've been going though it the past couple of weeks.  I've done well with my weight loss.  I am down a total of 23.5 pounds; almost half way to my first goal of 50 pounds by my birthday.

I have to thank God for the strength he has given me over the past couple of weeks.  It has been rough.  It has been lonely.  I have not strayed from my diet, although at times it is all I can think about and I am still losing weight.  Questions of the day:  Why do I think losing weight will solve my problems?  Why do I think my life would be different if I were thinner?  Why do I think that I would not be lonely if I lost weight?  I have no answers.

The answer I have found is this:  I totally understand why I hang onto a person who is no good for me.  I completely understand why I am afraid to let this person go.  Without this person, my phone would not ring.  Without this person, I would have no one to go on vacation with or have fun with.  Without this person, I would have very little to look forward to.  At this point, something is better than nothing.

Then there is God telling me and pushing me to continue to open up to people.  There are couple of people who call me and I am afraid to answer; afraid to have a conversation.  I bury myself in work so I am too busy to answer the phone.  I have taken steps to insure that I have time to myself and time for people.  My work schedule has changed and will allow me more time for human interaction.  After this past weekend though.......I'm not sure. 

2011 was supposed to be the best year of my life.  I was going to get married and finally have what I had longed for.  Let me just say there will be no wedding and I don't even think I want to get married again anymore.  All this crap is just too painful and is not worth it.  I am trying to reshape my life now my way and salvage 2011.  I gotta be honest, I haven't been in this much pain since I got divorced almost 9 years ago.  I know God will see me though this as he has so many times before.  My heart is heavy, my soul is wounded.

Positive notes:  My friend found out she is having a girl!!!  I could not be happier for her.  My mom is also going to be 70 very soon and we are celebrating this coming Saturday night.

I wish blessings for all of you!  Until next time.

Eyes wide open

Sometimes it is just so clear......How I wound up here.....How I let myself go......How desperately I needed someone who is not there and was never there.  That person, my dad.

My dad left when I was 6 years old.  I guess I never really recovered from that abandonment.   I never stopped seeking him and his approval in everything I did.  Funny thing, nothing I did was ever good enough.  It was always, thats good but.......why isn't it this?  Why didn't you do this?  Then there was the step-monster.  The woman who he left us for.  The woman who always referred to me as my father's daughter instead of her step-daughter.  The woman who made it clear that she did not want me around.  The woman who played mind games at every turn.  The woman who wished I (and my brother and sister) never existed.  I mean, I don't know what I ever did to her.  She had my dad.  Why was she so intent on taking him?  Why was so she intent on driving a wedge between my father and me?  More to the point, why was my dad so willing to push me to the side like a piece of garbage for this woman?  My father died when I was 32.  No one felt it necessary to tell his children how sick he really was.  All we kept hearing was that he was doing great.  I guess I could be compassionate and say they were in denial, but................I don't know.  It was then that we informed them that we were coming up to visit.  My last conversation with my father lasted less that 2 minutes because he was gasping for air.  He said he was looking forward to our visit (me, my brother and my sister).  2 days later, both of his lungs collapsed and he took a turn for the worst.  We went up to see him although he did not know we were there.  There it was.....the white elephant everyone was avoiding all of those years.  There we were, his children.  There were people there who didn't know we were his children.  Nice right?  He died 5 days later.  I remember saying to my mom, "Well, its official.......He is never going to call and want to be my father."  I don't think my mom realized until that moment that I never gave up hope that one day we would have a relationship, that he would actually want a relationship with me.

All of my relationships have mimicked my relationship with my father in one form or another.  Me constantly seeking love and approval to ultimately not get it.  Me working like a dog to get approval and not getting it.  Me getting into relationships with men who are not emotionally available.

My ex-husband and I had a ton of dreams.  All squashed when fertility problems arose and tore us apart.  The worst part, my ex-husbands ease as walking away and discarding me as if I were nothing.  Sound familiar?

The relationship after that.  Promises of marriage, a future and children; even an engagement ring; again, the ease of breaking those promises, like I didn't matter.  He even got annoyed with me that I was upset that we were not going to get married after we made all kinds of plans.  Sound familiar?  It does to me.  The same old song.

Countless friendships that have gone awry because I don't know why.

I think I eat and wear this fat suit to protect myself.  I am lonely.  I go into a cocoon to protect myself from people dumping on me and telling me I'm not good enough; constantly reminding that I'm not part of the group.

I have a handful of friends that I spend time with from time to time and I am grateful for them.  I am also grateful for the old friends that I have gotten in touch with via Facebook who offer support to me now.  I am thankful for everything that God has given me, although I must admit, it is hard sometimes not to be jealous of what other people have.  It is hard to be happy for them when they have everything I ever wanted.  It is hard to accept that God has me on a different path and that I have to stop resisting.  I'm sure the pain would stop if I would just surrender to God and have faith in his plan for me.  The problem is, I am human and I have a lifetime of experience telling me to hold on tight to what I have because it will be gone before I know it.  I'm going to be honest, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and I am petrified that is going to happen.

So, I decide to change my life.  I decide this time I'm going to succeed with my weight loss for me, not for my dad, not for Glen and not for Joe.  I have lost 18 pounds so far.  My only success these past couple of days is that I have not ordered a pizza to drown my sorrows in.  Thats progress.  Now that I think about it, that is a pretty big success and something that I should be proud of myself for; 2 months ago, I would have ordered that pizza.

Onward - - More Progress!

So, I let last week go and my issues with the scale.  I was delighted this morning to see that I have lost 3 more pounds.  That is 16 pounds in 29 days!!!  It is such a great feeling!

I exercised this weekend a lot.  On Saturday, I went to a park with a good amount of shade and walked.  It was tough on my  right knee.  Some of you may remember that I fell in the end of December and sprained my right knee very badly.  Thank the Lord it was not worse and I did not need surgery.  I'll tell you, half way through the first walk my knee was screaming at me!  I slowed down and chugged on.  It felt good to be outside, getting some sun and moving around.  Later that day, I walked Sawgrass Mills Mall.  By the end of the night, my knee was throbbing, but I didn't care.  It still felt so good to get moving and I was proud of what I had done.  Sunday, my knee was still a little sore, but went to another park that has a wonderful walking/fitness trail.  It is a half mile long with stops along the way to work other parts of the body.  I did the whole track and then walked back the whole way!  Again, it felt amazing!  I was supposed to walk yesterday, but it got rained out.  I am loving this new direction my life is taking on this journey!

Another positive, and I'm sure everyone will agree, I have more money not going out to eat all the time.  I feel better, I have more money in the account to pay bills and  am gaining confidence in myself everyday!  If I can tackle this, I can tackle anything!

I also want to take a moment to thank everyone again for all of the support and kind words.  I cannot tell you how much it means and how much it helps keep me on track!

Remember my goal?  50 pounds by my birthday in August.........34 more pounds to go!  Until next time.....

Frustration....Tomorrow is another day

I am not even going to lie........today is a frustrating day.  I step on the scale and it says I lost 1 pound.  Then I step on it again and it says I gained 2 pounds.  Then I stepped on it again and it said I gained 3 pounds so............I don't fricken know what I did this week, although if I take my first weigh in, I lost 1 pound.

Here are my issues:  The first issue is that I really do work a lot.  I work Monday through Friday as an Executive Assistant in the morning.  Then, I go home and eat lunch, take a little break and I'm right back at it with work.  The afternoon/evening job is Medical Transcription.  Last night I worked until 10 pm.  Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for the work.  God provides and has continued to provide for me with work to pay my bills.  I am really, really tired though.  The thought of fitting 1 more thing into my schedule is daunting; however, I know I have to do it.  My second issue is lonliness.  I spend a lot of time alone at home.  Eating is a social event, that when invited, I accept the offer.  Let's go to dinner...We have to get lunch some time....Do you want to come over for dinner?  It is so and so's birthday.  Am I honestly supposed to stop accepting these invitations?  That only isolates me more from the world and believe me, I am alone enough.

On Friday, a friend invited me to go to a "Night of Worship" at her church and it was wonderful.  We had not seen each other in a while, so it was nice to catch up.  The music and worship was just what I needed.  Realizing that I have so much in common with her was refreshing and made me realize that I am really closed off from the world.  This has to change........has to. 

My victory for today is that I did not allow myself to fall back into my old habits of giving up since the scale did not say what I wanted it to say and go get some McDonalds.  My goal for this week is to figure out a way to exercise with my schedule.  I know I can do it.

Until next time...

More progress

So, I weighed in this morning and lost 4 more pounds.  I have to take all the pounds I can get now because I will probably not see numbers like this again.  I have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks.  I have stopped drinking soda and I have not had fast food in 2 weeks!  Who would've thunk it?

Today, however, I am actually a little down.  It is really hitting me how out of control I let my weight get and how far I have to go just to get back to my normal overweight weight.  It is a little disheartening and I really feel like I have let myself down........again.  I guess that is the thing with addiction, it is an every day battle and it never really goes away.  Lots of reflection today.  Lots of thinking.  Lots of remembering; a lot of people who I have allowed to affect my life in a negative way and then ultimately turning to food for comfort.  Wow, I made that decision to let them get to me.  I made the decision to eat.

So, today I turn a corner.  I will not allow people to get to me or make me feel inferior.  I will not allow myself to go back down this road again for the umpteenth time.   I will make better decisions about what I eat.  I will continue to be positive and not let myself get down.  I have to.  I only have 1 life to live and it is time I start living.  Time I start enjoying everyday things I cannot because of my size or my physical inability.  Time for me to make time to exercise and not always use work as an excuse.  Granted, I do work a lot but if I can make time to watch General Hospital, I can make time to go for a walk everyday and progress from there.  Today is the day.  It is beautiful outside and I'm going for a walk.  When I return home, I will work.

Thank you everyone for supporting me on my journey.  It means more than you know.  My next blog will be full of how much exercise I did.  :-)   Until next time.........

The Big Day - - The First Weigh in

So, I am pleased to let everyone know that I lost 8 pounds in my first week of my journey!!!  I have also decided to call this a journey instead of a diet because the word diet has such a stigma attached.  Its like the word die with a t at the end.

I feel better.  My skin is clearer.  I'm not requiring as much sleep, all in one week.  It is amazing.  I have tried to lose weight before, why is it so easy to forget the good things and fall back into old habits?  This time, I will discover that answer in my journey so I do not fall back into my old habits.

Food has always been my comfort, my friend.  I have been doing this since I was a child.  I think it is time to change this pattern and start a new pattern, don't you?

On another note, a small victory I achieved this past week was being faced with social events.  I had my bunco group meet on day two of my journey.  We get together at 7pm, we eat and socialize for about an hour, then we play our game.  Well, I went and told the host that I couldn't eat because I had started Nutrisystem the previous day.  She was gracious and said, I have fruit here too, can you have that?  So, I was able to eat a little bit and still be involved in the social activity which is important for me as I spend a good amount of time alone.  I was proud of myself as I sat and ate grapes and strawberries and really was not tempted to eat more.  My mind is finally on the right track.  On Friday, I was invited to dinner with a friend from church.  She and I get together about once a month for dinner to hang out and catch up.  I suggested that we go to our usual restaurant, and she said, "Are you sure? I don't want to mess up your diet."  I loved the support that she was offering.  I said that I was sure and that I would order chicken and veggies.  Again, I was not tempted in the least to order my usual chicken wings and French fries.  I ordered a soup and salad and was very proud again of myself.  On Saturday, I went to my sister's house, and again, did very well.  I had very little appetizers, but I did have some which I should not have.  I had one piece of meat, usually two or three and then I also had veggies and salad.  My niece had made brownies and I was not good with that as I had three, which was like one and a half as the pieces were cut in half to what you are thinking.  So, not as successful on Saturday, but I still made better choices.

All in all, the first week was a success.  It was very eye opening as to what I can do and where I still need to work............work hard I'm sure.  By the way, I also stopped caffeine this past week.  I normally live on Diet Coke, not anymore; water and nothing else.  The headache lasted for three days, but it was worth it.

First goal was 50 pounds by my birthday.......42 more to go.  I'm on my way!!!

Start date: March 1, 2011 - It begins

So, I received my Nutrisystem order, went to the store and bought fruits and vegetables, so I guess there is nothing else to do except to jump in with both feet and start.  I have a beginning goal in mind, 50 pounds by my birthday, which is 5 1/2 months away.  I should be able to do 10 pounds a month right?  Right!

I was issued somewhat of a challenge today by a doubter and I am determined to show that person they are wrong about me.  I know I have tried and failed before, but I have to get this right.  I have to have faith that God will help keep my on track and help me keep my motivation high.

No one knows how hard it is to walk in someone else's shoes.  We all sit and judge.  We all say, "I would do it this way" or, "That wound never happen to me."  It amazes me how little compassion some people have.  To that note, the comments I got from my first blog were unbelievable; exactly why I started the blog.  I got unconditional acceptance from my friends, encouraging words and positive reinforcement.  Comments from childhood friends, who are the same people who accepted me for who I was way back when, still accept me now & I appreciate that more than they know.  Comments from other friends, also accepting me for who I am with all my faults, also encouraging me.  Even a few comments from people I would have never expected to hear from who gave me positive words on encouragement.  I realized then, in the day after I posted my blog the one thing that I had truly forgotten; I do matter.  I am important.  I am worth it.  I will succeed.  Thank you everyone for reminding me of what I had forgotten and lifting me up.

Tomorrow is the big day.  I start the diet.  I'm actually excited.  This journey is a scary one, but a necessary one...................I can't wait to start.  Thank you for taking this journey with me!

Day 1 - Making the commitment

Wow, the decision of losing weight; how to go about it, which program to choose.  Tonight I chose a program, Nutrisystem, which I have been successful on before but did not stick to when life got in the way.  For anyone who knows me or has known me for a long time, I have always struggled with my weight since childhood.  I was made fun of and belittled as a child that went onto bulimia in high school.  The bulimia has left me with a lifetime of medical issues as I destroyed my body and mind both physically and mentally in my quest to thin, be "pretty" and be accepted.

I'm hoping this blog will keep me on track, help me understand my eating issues and maybe make some friends along the way, as I know that no matter how much weight we need to lose, my 100+ pounds to lose is just as hard as your 20+ pounds.  Who knows, we all may just discover something wonderful about ourselves in the process.

I am not ready to post a before picture, but I will take one and post when I am mentally ready.  I think enough is said by stating that I have more than 100 pounds to lose.

The most successful I ever was at losing weight was on Jenny Craig where I lost 85 pounds.  I still lived at home and had little bills to worry about as my biggest expense was my car payment.  I saved for a house with my then boyfriend, now ex-husband.  We moved in together, and the combination of living with my boyfriend and hitting a plateau in my weight loss began a terrible cycle.  I slowly began putting back on my weight.  5 pounds here, 10 pounds there, until before I knew it I had put back on 45 to 50 pounds.  I was very comfortable and not worried as I had life figured out.  I was getting married and had a man, so who cared.  If I could only go back and tell that naive girl to stop and think..........I see now that it was my weight loss that I jeopardized and lost the battle to.  I fell back into all of my old habits.  Then, slowly, I began years of yo-yo dieting and periods of not caring at all.  I am now the heaviest I have ever been.  I am sad and ashamed.

It is now time to get back up on the horse and make this work.  I am going to succeed!  This is going to work this time.  I can do this.  I hope some people will follow my blog and offer commentary, help keep me accountable and who knows, maybe this will inspire someone else to take back control of their life.  I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I truly believe that I use food in the same manner as addicts use alcohol or drugs.  It is time.  Today is the day.  Today, I start a new journey.  I will do this.