Progress is always a good thing...

So, I will not keep you in suspense any longer........I have lost 32 pounds!  Yes, 32 pounds!  I almost can't believe it.  I feel so much better than I did when I first started this journey.  Why does it take us so long to, "hit bottom" only to realize once we pick ourselves up it was the best thing we could have done?  This decision I made to finally make this journey a success was a long time coming.  What took me so long to get here?  Who did I allow to sabotage me along the way?  Remembering that I have the ultimate control is what makes this so empowering.  I have no delusions, I will never be skinny and when I succeed, I will need plastic surgery to remove excess skin, but I will be healthier, and more importantly, happier!  Surgery......who can pay for that these days?

Some of you have  known me since I was a child.  You probably remember that chunky little girl with bright big blue eyes.  Some of you have known me for 20 years or so, and you probably remember that heavy woman, who made an attempt at this once before.  On that attempt, I was successful.  I lost 85 pounds and hit a wall.  I could not lose another pound.  I worked out 5 days a week and did aerobics and could not lose a pound.  So, on came the weight.........I moved in with my then fiancée and was getting married!  I fell into every trap there is. I was getting married and didn't really care if I kept the weight off.  5 pounds here, 10 pounds there......ok, ok ok, as long as I do go back over 200 I will be okay.........215 isn't so bad.........and so on.  My fiancée was no help.  So slowly all of the weight I worked so hard to lose crept back, but I was able to maintain at my top weight.  Then fertility treatments helped me gain 25 to 30 more pounds with no prize at the end.  All for the best.  We wound up getting divorced, blah, blah, blah.  The good news, the divorce took care of the extra 25 to 30 pounds, and I did a pretty good job of maintaining my weight again.  I'm not sure where it all went wrong this time.  I guess that is what scares me the most.  If I don't figure it out, am I doomed to repeat my same mistakes again?

The last year or two has taken it's toll on me weight wise.  Eating fast food every day and every night.  Eating appetizers, dinner, and desert the times I am fortunate to go out with friends to eat.  The loneliness definitely got to me and I think I let it defeat me, but NO MORE!

I am going to work on this until I get it right.  The weight loss is fantastic, but I have to get rid of all the ghosts and demons in the corners of my mind so I will have the clarity the next time something is getting to me that I do not revert back to my old habits.  I will not let this happen again.  I cannot let this happen again.  I know that I deserve better for myself.  Who knows, maybe one day I will learn to stop making jokes that cut me down.  Something I learned to do in middle school.  That would be another huge accomplishment to be proud of.

So..................32 pounds!  50 pounds by August 11, I am going to do this and I can't wait to tell you all that I have reached my first goal on this journey!

Please remember all of the men and women who sacrifice everyday for our freedom and our way of life.  There are not enough Memorial Days to thank those who have lost their lives, those families who have to carry on, and those who are there fighting for us now!

God bless you all!

Been awhile.......did you miss me?

Sorry it has been a couple of weeks.  I was going through some "stuff" that needs to be gone through in order to continue growing and continuing on my journey.  My last couple of posts were painful and kind of a downer.  I didn't want to continue posting depressing blogs, so I took some time to refocus and concentrate on some of the responses I got to my last blog.  Old friends with such words of advise and encouragement; responses from family, people who have known me since I was 6 years old and friends from middle and high school.  It really touches my heart to know how much everyone cares.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So for the big update!!!!!  I HAVE LOST 27 POUNDS!!!!!!

I can't tell you how happy I was to finally crack that 23.5 pound mark.  I was stuck there for 2 weeks.  It has been so hard not to give into temptation.  I am craving a pizza so badly.  Funny thing, I'm not craving fast foot at all.  I used to eat fast food every day.......yes, every day.  I really don't miss it.  I don't miss soda either, and amazingly, I don't miss chocolate.  I do get some chocolate everyday on Nutrisystem, but it is not the same as a Milky Way bar.  :-)

I am excited about being sucessful on this journey.  I think I might even be more excited about the personal growth I am doing and finally (hopefully once and for all) moving past the crap from the past.  For me at least, it is amazing how much stuff I burried just to survive.  It becomes clear each time something happens why I ate excessively, why I dealt with everything with food, why I put on this fat suit to keep people at arm's length.  The biggest effort I have to do now is not the weight loss, it is fighting the things that trigger old memories and make me project my anger and frustration onto other people.  Sometimes, pulling away a bit is the only answer.  This has not been an easy journey, but it is journey that I have needed to take for some time now.

I want to thank all of you for joining me on my journey and supporting me throughout.  Maybe with the next post, I finally break the 30 pound mark!  Blessing to all........until next time.