It has been a while. It has been a long and tough 2011. Let's all raise a glass, farwell 2011, here is to 2012.
This year started out for me with so much promise. I was supposed to get married. When that fell apart, I decided it was time to take my life back and lose weight. I have a lot of weight to lose. I have always used food for comfort. Food is always there. Food is my friend. I was successful, I lost 56 pounds! I have gained back 8. Not bad considering I have been holding strong really since August. Look out January, I'm starting the diet again and going for my second 50+ pounds.
This year has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but most of all it has been an eye opening year of realization in so many ways.
My weight loss was a sucess. I am proud of myself. The rest of the year has been rough emotionally and financially.
I finally got to go to California!!! A dream come true for me. It was supposed to be my honeymoon, but it was a vacation instead. I have dreamed me whole life about going to California. It was amazing. While there, I got to have lunch with my cousins. It was great to reconnect with family. I realized that the bond of family is always there, no matter what. It really helped me to realize part of what my journey has been, seeing how many people are there and how alone I am not. I have always had this idea of not being good enough, not being worthy. I guess in a lot of ways I still struggle with that. California was an amazing trip. Unfortunately, once I got back I got laid off from my part-time job and financially it has been a struggle ever since. Struggle is somewhat of an understatement, but I know that God will see me through.
I have been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks. I dreaded the holidays, I really always have. This year, however, was different. I still dreaded them, but I opened my heart and tried to accept what was going on and enjoy it. I didn't have the money to get the gifts I wanted to give. I hosted Christmas Eve, thanks to a friend who brought the groceries. Another friend helped bring a big table so everyone would have someplace to be sit and be comfortable insteading or cramming around my table and a card table. A friend that I have grown close to joined me and my family and had a wonderful time and I had a wonderful time. I enjoyed cooking for everyone. I enjoyed having everyone in my house. At one point I commented about how all of the people I have opened my house to are gone and we are really no longer friends because they moved away and we lost touch, but God has sent more angels to me. A friend to reach out and bring me closer to God; what a blessing. A family, that while not perfect, is a blessing. Two angels who have helped me more than they will ever know. Angels, blessings........Wow!!! I wonder how many angels and blessings I missed because I was not paying attention or because I was angry holding onto the past. I may not have the life and the blessings that I always wanted, but I am truly blessed beyond measure. I'm not a millionaire. I don't have children. I probably will be single for the rest of my life. Blessings and favor are everywhere. Times can be tough, but my faith has brought me through and will continue to bring me through. It took me my entire life to get to this point of realization. Amazing. I still get lonely, but I realize that my almost marriage would have been a huge mistake. He is not able to be the husband that I need. He cares, he tries, and he loves, but that is all he is capable of. He is a good person, just flawed. His flaws are not my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix him any more than I could fix my father's flaws. My dad also did the best he could; his best was not nearly enough. I choose to believe that because otherwise he would have been a monster. I am finally letting go of all my anger and all my hurt from my past with my father. Who knows, maybe next year I will be able to say a much needed goodbye, or at the very least accept that person with no additional expectations. That is a goal to shoot for. My other goal.........50 more pounds!!!
I have been trying to always count my blessings and keep my pity parties short. The more I count, the more blessings I realize I have. I really have changed and am so thankful for that.
So here is 2012.......I'm ready for my next year of challenges. I'm praying for a little more financial stabilty for myself and I am praying for blessings for my family and friends. We all deserve it!!! Love you all!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Chugging along.......Still making progress
It has been a while, but exciting new this morning when I stepped on the scale........I have lost 46 pounds!!!!! Only 4 more pounds to go by August 11 to reach my first goal. It feels incredible! I am very proud of myself. I am also very thankful for all of the support from everyone along the way. Still thinking on my second weight loss goal; what it should be, how much more weight, what timeframe. This is really like the best birthday present I have ever given to myself. I have grown so much in the past few months on this journey. Some painful memories put to bed, some joyous times with my success. I really, really think that I can do this. I'm not sure what this is, meaning I don't have a total number that I want to lose as of yet, but I am working on that as well.
I started to exercise in the pool and was feeling so great about it, until I got a growth on my face (probably not cancer, waiting on test results) so I have been laying off of the sun for now. I am going to have to go buy a big hat to shade my face when I'm in the pool as well as sunblock. Trust me, this scare woke me up. No more trying to get some sun/color.
I will let everyone know when I reach 50 pounds!!! I have 2 more weeks. I can't wait.
Blessings to all!
I started to exercise in the pool and was feeling so great about it, until I got a growth on my face (probably not cancer, waiting on test results) so I have been laying off of the sun for now. I am going to have to go buy a big hat to shade my face when I'm in the pool as well as sunblock. Trust me, this scare woke me up. No more trying to get some sun/color.
I will let everyone know when I reach 50 pounds!!! I have 2 more weeks. I can't wait.
Blessings to all!
Monday, July 4, 2011
FINALLY!!!!!
Happy 4th of July to all! Please remember that we live in the greatest country in the world and that comes with a price. Please remember and give thanks to all the men and women who sacrifice their lives every day so we may be free!
I finally broke the 40 pounds mark in my journey! I'm so excited! People are really starting to notice a difference in me. It feels really good. I am proud of myself. Only 10 more pounds to go to my first goal. I am determined to lose this last 10 pounds by my 41st birthday! It is a huge milestone. Once I hit this goal; time to set a new goal. I'm thinking 53 pounds. I just don't know by when. I would like by 2012, but that may be a little unrealistic and not enough time. I want to set realistic goals. I'm certain I can lose another 50 pounds, its just the date I'm not sure of yet. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Jan 25 will be my niece's 18th birthday. Maybe that is a good date to shoot for.
Until next time.............Blessings to all!
I finally broke the 40 pounds mark in my journey! I'm so excited! People are really starting to notice a difference in me. It feels really good. I am proud of myself. Only 10 more pounds to go to my first goal. I am determined to lose this last 10 pounds by my 41st birthday! It is a huge milestone. Once I hit this goal; time to set a new goal. I'm thinking 53 pounds. I just don't know by when. I would like by 2012, but that may be a little unrealistic and not enough time. I want to set realistic goals. I'm certain I can lose another 50 pounds, its just the date I'm not sure of yet. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Jan 25 will be my niece's 18th birthday. Maybe that is a good date to shoot for.
Until next time.............Blessings to all!
Monday, June 13, 2011
You Win Some.......You Lose Some.....
First and foremost, congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for winning the NBA Finals. As a very loyal Miami Heat fan, I am sad we lost, but the most deserving team won. So now that that is over......
I have lost 37 pounds!!! It feels really good to finally be successful at this. I still have a long way to go, but I am finally on the right track and it feels outstanding!
Question for you guys......why does it always seem like what you want and can't have is always around smacking you in the face, almost taunting you? When I was married and going through fertility treatments, I was surrounded by people getting pregnant with no problems. I'm not joking. As soon as I started fertility treatments, 5 people in the office where I worked got pregnant. It is really hard to smile and be happy for people when your heart is filled with envy and always asking the question, "Why them and not me?"
Fast forward a few years........I came to terms with not having a family of my own. I deal with it pretty well for the most part. I watch other people's children grow and watch them enjoy what I so desperately wanted. I also watch people not be thankful and take their families for granted and be too busy to spend time. I do all of this keeping my mouth shut and smiling. So, I was engaged and honestly felt my dream of remarriage would come true. Well, needless to say I am single again, but of course, now it is wedding talk. Blah, blah, blah. I sit and pretend to be excited and smile and tell her she will be a beautiful bride, which she will be...........but COME ON! Really? Again? No kids wasn't enough? I have to sit and smile about this as well? Why does this always seem to happen? I know it happens to others as well, but man, so frustrating.
Now that I am in the middle of this, I can tell you, there are days that I lose focus from my weight loss. I try not to be jealous or envious, but it is hard. One of my friends once told me that she didn't know why God gives so much to some and not to others and that they say the less you have here on earth, the more you have in heaven. I don't know if thats true, and I will find out one day for sure, but for now, I would settle on this envy leaving my heart.
Hopefully, my next blog I will crack losing 40 pounds........I can't wait until that moment so I can share it with you. Until next time.......
I have lost 37 pounds!!! It feels really good to finally be successful at this. I still have a long way to go, but I am finally on the right track and it feels outstanding!
Question for you guys......why does it always seem like what you want and can't have is always around smacking you in the face, almost taunting you? When I was married and going through fertility treatments, I was surrounded by people getting pregnant with no problems. I'm not joking. As soon as I started fertility treatments, 5 people in the office where I worked got pregnant. It is really hard to smile and be happy for people when your heart is filled with envy and always asking the question, "Why them and not me?"
Fast forward a few years........I came to terms with not having a family of my own. I deal with it pretty well for the most part. I watch other people's children grow and watch them enjoy what I so desperately wanted. I also watch people not be thankful and take their families for granted and be too busy to spend time. I do all of this keeping my mouth shut and smiling. So, I was engaged and honestly felt my dream of remarriage would come true. Well, needless to say I am single again, but of course, now it is wedding talk. Blah, blah, blah. I sit and pretend to be excited and smile and tell her she will be a beautiful bride, which she will be...........but COME ON! Really? Again? No kids wasn't enough? I have to sit and smile about this as well? Why does this always seem to happen? I know it happens to others as well, but man, so frustrating.
Now that I am in the middle of this, I can tell you, there are days that I lose focus from my weight loss. I try not to be jealous or envious, but it is hard. One of my friends once told me that she didn't know why God gives so much to some and not to others and that they say the less you have here on earth, the more you have in heaven. I don't know if thats true, and I will find out one day for sure, but for now, I would settle on this envy leaving my heart.
Hopefully, my next blog I will crack losing 40 pounds........I can't wait until that moment so I can share it with you. Until next time.......
Monday, May 30, 2011
Progress is always a good thing...
So, I will not keep you in suspense any longer........I have lost 32 pounds! Yes, 32 pounds! I almost can't believe it. I feel so much better than I did when I first started this journey. Why does it take us so long to, "hit bottom" only to realize once we pick ourselves up it was the best thing we could have done? This decision I made to finally make this journey a success was a long time coming. What took me so long to get here? Who did I allow to sabotage me along the way? Remembering that I have the ultimate control is what makes this so empowering. I have no delusions, I will never be skinny and when I succeed, I will need plastic surgery to remove excess skin, but I will be healthier, and more importantly, happier! Surgery......who can pay for that these days?
Some of you have known me since I was a child. You probably remember that chunky little girl with bright big blue eyes. Some of you have known me for 20 years or so, and you probably remember that heavy woman, who made an attempt at this once before. On that attempt, I was successful. I lost 85 pounds and hit a wall. I could not lose another pound. I worked out 5 days a week and did aerobics and could not lose a pound. So, on came the weight.........I moved in with my then fiancée and was getting married! I fell into every trap there is. I was getting married and didn't really care if I kept the weight off. 5 pounds here, 10 pounds there......ok, ok ok, as long as I do go back over 200 I will be okay.........215 isn't so bad.........and so on. My fiancée was no help. So slowly all of the weight I worked so hard to lose crept back, but I was able to maintain at my top weight. Then fertility treatments helped me gain 25 to 30 more pounds with no prize at the end. All for the best. We wound up getting divorced, blah, blah, blah. The good news, the divorce took care of the extra 25 to 30 pounds, and I did a pretty good job of maintaining my weight again. I'm not sure where it all went wrong this time. I guess that is what scares me the most. If I don't figure it out, am I doomed to repeat my same mistakes again?
The last year or two has taken it's toll on me weight wise. Eating fast food every day and every night. Eating appetizers, dinner, and desert the times I am fortunate to go out with friends to eat. The loneliness definitely got to me and I think I let it defeat me, but NO MORE!
I am going to work on this until I get it right. The weight loss is fantastic, but I have to get rid of all the ghosts and demons in the corners of my mind so I will have the clarity the next time something is getting to me that I do not revert back to my old habits. I will not let this happen again. I cannot let this happen again. I know that I deserve better for myself. Who knows, maybe one day I will learn to stop making jokes that cut me down. Something I learned to do in middle school. That would be another huge accomplishment to be proud of.
So..................32 pounds! 50 pounds by August 11, I am going to do this and I can't wait to tell you all that I have reached my first goal on this journey!
Please remember all of the men and women who sacrifice everyday for our freedom and our way of life. There are not enough Memorial Days to thank those who have lost their lives, those families who have to carry on, and those who are there fighting for us now!
God bless you all!
Some of you have known me since I was a child. You probably remember that chunky little girl with bright big blue eyes. Some of you have known me for 20 years or so, and you probably remember that heavy woman, who made an attempt at this once before. On that attempt, I was successful. I lost 85 pounds and hit a wall. I could not lose another pound. I worked out 5 days a week and did aerobics and could not lose a pound. So, on came the weight.........I moved in with my then fiancée and was getting married! I fell into every trap there is. I was getting married and didn't really care if I kept the weight off. 5 pounds here, 10 pounds there......ok, ok ok, as long as I do go back over 200 I will be okay.........215 isn't so bad.........and so on. My fiancée was no help. So slowly all of the weight I worked so hard to lose crept back, but I was able to maintain at my top weight. Then fertility treatments helped me gain 25 to 30 more pounds with no prize at the end. All for the best. We wound up getting divorced, blah, blah, blah. The good news, the divorce took care of the extra 25 to 30 pounds, and I did a pretty good job of maintaining my weight again. I'm not sure where it all went wrong this time. I guess that is what scares me the most. If I don't figure it out, am I doomed to repeat my same mistakes again?
The last year or two has taken it's toll on me weight wise. Eating fast food every day and every night. Eating appetizers, dinner, and desert the times I am fortunate to go out with friends to eat. The loneliness definitely got to me and I think I let it defeat me, but NO MORE!
I am going to work on this until I get it right. The weight loss is fantastic, but I have to get rid of all the ghosts and demons in the corners of my mind so I will have the clarity the next time something is getting to me that I do not revert back to my old habits. I will not let this happen again. I cannot let this happen again. I know that I deserve better for myself. Who knows, maybe one day I will learn to stop making jokes that cut me down. Something I learned to do in middle school. That would be another huge accomplishment to be proud of.
So..................32 pounds! 50 pounds by August 11, I am going to do this and I can't wait to tell you all that I have reached my first goal on this journey!
Please remember all of the men and women who sacrifice everyday for our freedom and our way of life. There are not enough Memorial Days to thank those who have lost their lives, those families who have to carry on, and those who are there fighting for us now!
God bless you all!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Been awhile.......did you miss me?
Sorry it has been a couple of weeks. I was going through some "stuff" that needs to be gone through in order to continue growing and continuing on my journey. My last couple of posts were painful and kind of a downer. I didn't want to continue posting depressing blogs, so I took some time to refocus and concentrate on some of the responses I got to my last blog. Old friends with such words of advise and encouragement; responses from family, people who have known me since I was 6 years old and friends from middle and high school. It really touches my heart to know how much everyone cares. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
So for the big update!!!!! I HAVE LOST 27 POUNDS!!!!!!
I can't tell you how happy I was to finally crack that 23.5 pound mark. I was stuck there for 2 weeks. It has been so hard not to give into temptation. I am craving a pizza so badly. Funny thing, I'm not craving fast foot at all. I used to eat fast food every day.......yes, every day. I really don't miss it. I don't miss soda either, and amazingly, I don't miss chocolate. I do get some chocolate everyday on Nutrisystem, but it is not the same as a Milky Way bar. :-)
I am excited about being sucessful on this journey. I think I might even be more excited about the personal growth I am doing and finally (hopefully once and for all) moving past the crap from the past. For me at least, it is amazing how much stuff I burried just to survive. It becomes clear each time something happens why I ate excessively, why I dealt with everything with food, why I put on this fat suit to keep people at arm's length. The biggest effort I have to do now is not the weight loss, it is fighting the things that trigger old memories and make me project my anger and frustration onto other people. Sometimes, pulling away a bit is the only answer. This has not been an easy journey, but it is journey that I have needed to take for some time now.
I want to thank all of you for joining me on my journey and supporting me throughout. Maybe with the next post, I finally break the 30 pound mark! Blessing to all........until next time.
So for the big update!!!!! I HAVE LOST 27 POUNDS!!!!!!
I can't tell you how happy I was to finally crack that 23.5 pound mark. I was stuck there for 2 weeks. It has been so hard not to give into temptation. I am craving a pizza so badly. Funny thing, I'm not craving fast foot at all. I used to eat fast food every day.......yes, every day. I really don't miss it. I don't miss soda either, and amazingly, I don't miss chocolate. I do get some chocolate everyday on Nutrisystem, but it is not the same as a Milky Way bar. :-)
I am excited about being sucessful on this journey. I think I might even be more excited about the personal growth I am doing and finally (hopefully once and for all) moving past the crap from the past. For me at least, it is amazing how much stuff I burried just to survive. It becomes clear each time something happens why I ate excessively, why I dealt with everything with food, why I put on this fat suit to keep people at arm's length. The biggest effort I have to do now is not the weight loss, it is fighting the things that trigger old memories and make me project my anger and frustration onto other people. Sometimes, pulling away a bit is the only answer. This has not been an easy journey, but it is journey that I have needed to take for some time now.
I want to thank all of you for joining me on my journey and supporting me throughout. Maybe with the next post, I finally break the 30 pound mark! Blessing to all........until next time.
Monday, April 25, 2011
More progress, more lonliness
So, I've been going though it the past couple of weeks. I've done well with my weight loss. I am down a total of 23.5 pounds; almost half way to my first goal of 50 pounds by my birthday.
I have to thank God for the strength he has given me over the past couple of weeks. It has been rough. It has been lonely. I have not strayed from my diet, although at times it is all I can think about and I am still losing weight. Questions of the day: Why do I think losing weight will solve my problems? Why do I think my life would be different if I were thinner? Why do I think that I would not be lonely if I lost weight? I have no answers.
The answer I have found is this: I totally understand why I hang onto a person who is no good for me. I completely understand why I am afraid to let this person go. Without this person, my phone would not ring. Without this person, I would have no one to go on vacation with or have fun with. Without this person, I would have very little to look forward to. At this point, something is better than nothing.
Then there is God telling me and pushing me to continue to open up to people. There are couple of people who call me and I am afraid to answer; afraid to have a conversation. I bury myself in work so I am too busy to answer the phone. I have taken steps to insure that I have time to myself and time for people. My work schedule has changed and will allow me more time for human interaction. After this past weekend though.......I'm not sure.
2011 was supposed to be the best year of my life. I was going to get married and finally have what I had longed for. Let me just say there will be no wedding and I don't even think I want to get married again anymore. All this crap is just too painful and is not worth it. I am trying to reshape my life now my way and salvage 2011. I gotta be honest, I haven't been in this much pain since I got divorced almost 9 years ago. I know God will see me though this as he has so many times before. My heart is heavy, my soul is wounded.
Positive notes: My friend found out she is having a girl!!! I could not be happier for her. My mom is also going to be 70 very soon and we are celebrating this coming Saturday night.
I wish blessings for all of you! Until next time.
I have to thank God for the strength he has given me over the past couple of weeks. It has been rough. It has been lonely. I have not strayed from my diet, although at times it is all I can think about and I am still losing weight. Questions of the day: Why do I think losing weight will solve my problems? Why do I think my life would be different if I were thinner? Why do I think that I would not be lonely if I lost weight? I have no answers.
The answer I have found is this: I totally understand why I hang onto a person who is no good for me. I completely understand why I am afraid to let this person go. Without this person, my phone would not ring. Without this person, I would have no one to go on vacation with or have fun with. Without this person, I would have very little to look forward to. At this point, something is better than nothing.
Then there is God telling me and pushing me to continue to open up to people. There are couple of people who call me and I am afraid to answer; afraid to have a conversation. I bury myself in work so I am too busy to answer the phone. I have taken steps to insure that I have time to myself and time for people. My work schedule has changed and will allow me more time for human interaction. After this past weekend though.......I'm not sure.
2011 was supposed to be the best year of my life. I was going to get married and finally have what I had longed for. Let me just say there will be no wedding and I don't even think I want to get married again anymore. All this crap is just too painful and is not worth it. I am trying to reshape my life now my way and salvage 2011. I gotta be honest, I haven't been in this much pain since I got divorced almost 9 years ago. I know God will see me though this as he has so many times before. My heart is heavy, my soul is wounded.
Positive notes: My friend found out she is having a girl!!! I could not be happier for her. My mom is also going to be 70 very soon and we are celebrating this coming Saturday night.
I wish blessings for all of you! Until next time.
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