It has been a while. It has been a long and tough 2011. Let's all raise a glass, farwell 2011, here is to 2012.
This year started out for me with so much promise. I was supposed to get married. When that fell apart, I decided it was time to take my life back and lose weight. I have a lot of weight to lose. I have always used food for comfort. Food is always there. Food is my friend. I was successful, I lost 56 pounds! I have gained back 8. Not bad considering I have been holding strong really since August. Look out January, I'm starting the diet again and going for my second 50+ pounds.
This year has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but most of all it has been an eye opening year of realization in so many ways.
My weight loss was a sucess. I am proud of myself. The rest of the year has been rough emotionally and financially.
I finally got to go to California!!! A dream come true for me. It was supposed to be my honeymoon, but it was a vacation instead. I have dreamed me whole life about going to California. It was amazing. While there, I got to have lunch with my cousins. It was great to reconnect with family. I realized that the bond of family is always there, no matter what. It really helped me to realize part of what my journey has been, seeing how many people are there and how alone I am not. I have always had this idea of not being good enough, not being worthy. I guess in a lot of ways I still struggle with that. California was an amazing trip. Unfortunately, once I got back I got laid off from my part-time job and financially it has been a struggle ever since. Struggle is somewhat of an understatement, but I know that God will see me through.
I have been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks. I dreaded the holidays, I really always have. This year, however, was different. I still dreaded them, but I opened my heart and tried to accept what was going on and enjoy it. I didn't have the money to get the gifts I wanted to give. I hosted Christmas Eve, thanks to a friend who brought the groceries. Another friend helped bring a big table so everyone would have someplace to be sit and be comfortable insteading or cramming around my table and a card table. A friend that I have grown close to joined me and my family and had a wonderful time and I had a wonderful time. I enjoyed cooking for everyone. I enjoyed having everyone in my house. At one point I commented about how all of the people I have opened my house to are gone and we are really no longer friends because they moved away and we lost touch, but God has sent more angels to me. A friend to reach out and bring me closer to God; what a blessing. A family, that while not perfect, is a blessing. Two angels who have helped me more than they will ever know. Angels, blessings........Wow!!! I wonder how many angels and blessings I missed because I was not paying attention or because I was angry holding onto the past. I may not have the life and the blessings that I always wanted, but I am truly blessed beyond measure. I'm not a millionaire. I don't have children. I probably will be single for the rest of my life. Blessings and favor are everywhere. Times can be tough, but my faith has brought me through and will continue to bring me through. It took me my entire life to get to this point of realization. Amazing. I still get lonely, but I realize that my almost marriage would have been a huge mistake. He is not able to be the husband that I need. He cares, he tries, and he loves, but that is all he is capable of. He is a good person, just flawed. His flaws are not my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix him any more than I could fix my father's flaws. My dad also did the best he could; his best was not nearly enough. I choose to believe that because otherwise he would have been a monster. I am finally letting go of all my anger and all my hurt from my past with my father. Who knows, maybe next year I will be able to say a much needed goodbye, or at the very least accept that person with no additional expectations. That is a goal to shoot for. My other goal.........50 more pounds!!!
I have been trying to always count my blessings and keep my pity parties short. The more I count, the more blessings I realize I have. I really have changed and am so thankful for that.
So here is 2012.......I'm ready for my next year of challenges. I'm praying for a little more financial stabilty for myself and I am praying for blessings for my family and friends. We all deserve it!!! Love you all!
