So, I've been going though it the past couple of weeks. I've done well with my weight loss. I am down a total of 23.5 pounds; almost half way to my first goal of 50 pounds by my birthday.
I have to thank God for the strength he has given me over the past couple of weeks. It has been rough. It has been lonely. I have not strayed from my diet, although at times it is all I can think about and I am still losing weight. Questions of the day: Why do I think losing weight will solve my problems? Why do I think my life would be different if I were thinner? Why do I think that I would not be lonely if I lost weight? I have no answers.
The answer I have found is this: I totally understand why I hang onto a person who is no good for me. I completely understand why I am afraid to let this person go. Without this person, my phone would not ring. Without this person, I would have no one to go on vacation with or have fun with. Without this person, I would have very little to look forward to. At this point, something is better than nothing.
Then there is God telling me and pushing me to continue to open up to people. There are couple of people who call me and I am afraid to answer; afraid to have a conversation. I bury myself in work so I am too busy to answer the phone. I have taken steps to insure that I have time to myself and time for people. My work schedule has changed and will allow me more time for human interaction. After this past weekend though.......I'm not sure.
2011 was supposed to be the best year of my life. I was going to get married and finally have what I had longed for. Let me just say there will be no wedding and I don't even think I want to get married again anymore. All this crap is just too painful and is not worth it. I am trying to reshape my life now my way and salvage 2011. I gotta be honest, I haven't been in this much pain since I got divorced almost 9 years ago. I know God will see me though this as he has so many times before. My heart is heavy, my soul is wounded.
Positive notes: My friend found out she is having a girl!!! I could not be happier for her. My mom is also going to be 70 very soon and we are celebrating this coming Saturday night.
I wish blessings for all of you! Until next time.
Feeling you, and loving you.
ReplyDeleteStay focused on your personal goals, because the other thing that is coming out of this is personal growth for you. You are taking steps to live a more joyful life -- you are to be commended. Enjoy the journey, the self-discovery, and hopefully along the way you will find unexpected treasures while coming to love and accept yourself.
I see by the number of people follwoing your blog that many people care for you and value you.
I feel so bad for you that you were so alone this Easter weekend. Against all advice, I spent all of my time at church -- Way too much time!! But I am getting my hair cut in an haour and I am resolved to work way less... I need the rest.
ReplyDeleteI am really proud of how well you are doing with your weight loss. You are doing it for yourself -- for a healthier you, for relief to your knees, for relief to your other medical problems. I know that sometimes that doesn't seem like much in the scheme of themes of things, but you are taking care of yourself. You are a very important a person regardless of your weight, but we want you to live a long and happy life. Enough with the preaching.
The most important thing is that on this journey you have grown in slef-awareness. You have made great strides in understanding yourself and you have grown tremendously. Your personal growth stands as an example for all of us!!
Keep the faith and in God's time He will provide you with all you long for and need. There are great things in store for you... I know it. Don't hide your talents under a bushel basket...let you wonderful personality shine out to all you meet.
With overflowing love, I pray for you every day and have faith that all good things will come to you.